Help Me

Looking back, I recall the next day, after the incident, being one of the most difficult. The day was filled with challenges, moments of embarrassment and was one of the 'lowest' days that I experienced throughout this trial.

I awoke at 7am to the sound of a floor buffer polishing the hospital floor, operated by a small, middle-aged blonde woman.

She had a smile painted on her face and met my gaze. The smile remained. My face however, was not smiling.

I had been asleep for just 1 hour, I was exhausted, but I was appeased somewhat by the light that flooded into the hospital ward.

To be free of the darkness was a welcome comfort and even though I had had very little sleep, it had been a time of rest, without shadows, golden figures, dreams, nightmares and visions.

With the arrival of a new day I was able to take in my surroundings much more clearly.

There were 8 bays, all occupied by older gentleman, 4 bays on one side of the room and 4 on the other. I had a panoramic view of the whole ward.

Outside the two main doors was the nurses' station, hustling and bustling as staff began the 'changeover' process.

However, except for the presence of the cleaner, the ward itself remained pretty silent. All the patients were sleeping soundly, which filled me with a sense of envy.

I actually felt quite offended that I was here, housed with the old and decrepit.

Lost in my thoughts, I'd failed to notice the rather ample lady that had entered the room, wheeling some kind of trolley.

She made her way along my side of the ward pouring liquids into cups and leaving plates filled with all kinds of stuff.

You're asking yourself now, why is he saying 'liquids' and 'stuff?' As daft as it sounds I had no memory of food or drink. I couldn't even tell you what water was if you'd asked me to describe it.

I got nervous as the woman approached my bed. She's going to ask me questions, I thought to myself. Shall I pretend to be asleep?

'Don't be so childish,' I said to myself. The woman trundled towards me, then stopped at the bottom of the bed.

"How are we today Daniel?" I replied with a smart answer. "Well you look fine. Me, I'm all fu£&@# up that's how we are."

She laughed. "Great sense of humour you've got there", she said. I smiled casually.

"What would you like to drink?" she asked. "What do you recommend?" I replied.

"Coffee, do you like coffee?" she asked. "I don't know." I think she could see the desperation in my face. At the time I didn't know what coffee was, let alone whether I liked it.

She proceeded to pour some for me anyway and left it on the side table. She didn't speak again, she simply left two triangular shaped objects on a plate and some kind of mush in a bowel and then went on her way.

I felt like a freak. The woman had looked at me with such pity when she'd left my bedside. I don't think it was intentional, but it still hurt my feelings.

I took one mouthful of 'mush' and that was that. I also took one bite of the 'food' on the plate. It was cold and solid and I probably could of eaten a brick quicker. I didn't even attempt to drink the coffee.

A couple of hours passed, nothing happened, a few of the other patients woke up, but they looked as dazed and confused as I felt.

9am came. Finally some human interaction. Two nurses approached my bed. One was a trainee from the University of Wolverhampton, the other the matron of the ward.

Both looked primed ready for action. Noticeably, the junior nurse stood desperately close to my bed whilst the matron quickly did a round of the other patients.

I felt like a VIP to be honest I think myself and the junior nurse shared the commonality of youth, she had no intention of seeing to the more senior members of the ward.

Somewhat flattered I waited for one of them to speak. The matron by this time had returned to my bedside. They both introduced themselves and suddenly the junior nurse asked if I needed to go to the toilet and afterwards would I like to take a shower.

I said "yes", to both. I arose from the bed, feeling, and no doubt looking rough. I attempted to stand, but I was incredibly unsteady on my feet.

I can't tell you how much those of us that can walk take it for granted. The nurses had to support my weight and escort me to the toilet/wet room.

The matron whispered something to the junior nurse and left us to it. The junior nurse took me into the room and stayed with me, locking the door behind us.

I was puzzled as to why she had stayed in the room with me. Surely she can't be expecting me to go to the toilet and take a shower with her standing there, can she?

She did!!! She explained why she was staying, however, at the time I was not happy about it. Any sense of dignity and self-respect that I had left, I was to lose in the next 20 minutes.

Shame, embarrassment and a deep sense of humiliation consumed me. This was it, the lowest point, I don't know whether you can 'feel' depression setting in, but at this moment I certainly felt completely exposed, my life had reached an all time low.

After going to the toilet, I undressed. The nurse respectfully turned her back. However, the feeling of humiliation crept over me, silently, as if I could feel its clammy touch everywhere.

Looking back, I appreciate that the nurse remained totally professional and did her best to preserve my dignity and I honour her for that.

Anyway, I showered, completely starkers, under the watchful eye of the nurse. I was then taken back to my bed on the ward and told that I would be taken for an MRI scan in 30 minutes.

The nurse left. I sat upright on my bed, I tipped my head back glaring up at the ceiling and I wept, never had I felt so humiliated, or maybe I had, I just couldn't remember.

As I wept, gazing upwards, I suddenly felt myself saying, without explanation. "God, if you are there, just so you know, I hate you, how could this happen? Why didn't you stop it? What did I do to deserve this?"

As I anticipated, I got no response, well not one I could hear or see.

This was it, this was 'The Fall' of Daniel Waldron. Stripped of joy, hope and faith. Humiliated, alone and afraid. There was no miracle to be had here.

HELP ME!!! The people on the ward began to stare as my outburst echoed through the ward.