Spiral

I appreciate the above video has done the rounds, but this next instalment covers some pretty dark material, some of which is too difficult to express in words. Whilst at the time of going through this particular part of 'the journey' I did not understand many things, looking back I believe this video captures the very essence of what was happening beyond the veil of what we can see, so please watch it. You'll understand what I mean as you read. 

This video brings me to tears every time I watch it and I need you to know that this has been really hard to share. I don't say that in order to gain sympathy, or for you to feel sorry for me, I say it because it's you that has brought me to the place where I feel able to share. This blog is for everyone that has walked the journey with me. I give all honour to you, because without your support I would not have had the strength to do this. 

Dedicated to my friends, family and the strangers that prayed for me despite never meeting me, I say to you all, believers in Christ, non-believers and those of you in the middle, this video depicts my God, whether you believe or not, he fights for you, he believes in you, you are worthy in his sight. You're not an accident, you're a person of purpose & of destiny. 

You can debate with me the existence of my heavenly Father, but you can't debate my journey. This is what happened, this is my God, this is your God and if you get anything from this blog, get this, no matter what people tell you, no matter how bad the outlook, no matter how much you feel that the world doesn't notice you, there is a Father who loves you and he alone has you in his sights and in his grasp. 

For me, despite everything, this experience has left me in no doubt that there is a higher being that has saved me, because no man or woman could have brought me back from the brink of the pit I was about to descend into. I value you, for all you have done to help me on the road to recovery. I'll never forget.

Alone in a side room, in a hospital, all dignity lost, with any notions that I was getting out of here that night scuppered, I lay there watching the gentle trickle of blood flow down my hand.
Upon reaching the finger tips it would stop for a moment, as if bracing itself for the fall. Then gracefully it would descend before splattering onto the floor.

I was quite in awe of it really. Transfixed, watching my life blood drain from me. I remember thinking, is this it snuffed out at the grand age of...? It hit me, how old am I?
I turned my head away from my bloody work of art. Frustration crept in again. I lifted my hands to my face. Bad move, the blood from my hand dropped onto my face. I didn't care.
I attempted to sit up. Every inch of my body screamed, what are you doing? My body was a dead weight, I had to drag myself up as best as I could.

Yet, my efforts completely sapped all my energy. I was so angry I wanted to beat the hospital walls with my fists, but I couldn't muster the strength.

I lay motionless recalling the woman's words "you can fight this". Can I? I began to question whether I could do anything. I tried to find a rational explanation as to why this had happened. However, my mind grew tired and as the morphine began to reach the peak of its effectiveness I was overcome by the need to sleep. I closed my eyes and in all honesty there was a part of me that hoped I would not wake again.

As I slept, a vivid dream materialised. I was in a meadow and I was walking through thick, tall grass, but I distinctively remember someone being alongside me. I couldn't see who it was, but I felt a warmth upon my skin. There was a light breeze also and I remember advancing with ease, a gentle flow, subconsciously I felt I was being led.There was a very particular path that I was following that I could not stray from. I was clothed in a garment that appeared to be a robe and the ground was now littered with rose petals.

Suddenly, the grass cleared, I gasped, as there shining in all of its brilliance was the sun on the horizon of a clear water ocean. A beach lay before me, white sands and an ocean breeze captivated my attention. I stepped into the sand. My bare feet tingled due to the heat.

I could feel the spray of the ocean brush against my face. I advanced further down the beach. It was as if heaven was in my grasp, perhaps my desire had been granted. I'd died.

As I approached the ocean's edge I glanced down. There before me, perfectly crafted into the sand the word WELCOME greeted me. I smiled, I stood and I absorbed. I'm home.

The beauty of the dream was soon shattered as I was abruptly awoken by a nurse clattering down my bed rails. I looked at her in disgust, she looked back at me equally irritated. "We need to take you for an X-ray Mr Waldron." I looked at her blankly. "You'll then be transferred to a ward afterwards," she said. I glanced upwards and noticed the clock. It was 1.00am. Thank heaven for small mercies I thought, at least I can remember how to tell the time.
I had no idea what to expect with an X-ray I could have had one before, I may have not. I couldn't tell you.

As my bed was wheeled along, what seemed like an endless maze, of dull, cold and uninspiring corridors, a voice in my head was simply laughing at me.

Having no concept of what was normal and what was strange I couldn't determine whether hearing voices was considered sane or insane. Not that it mattered in the slightest. This was my reality. Quite simply the voice depressed me, it was a stark contrast to the dream that I'd been enjoying just minutes earlier.

We arrived at the X-ray theatre. I was wheeled into the dimly lit room. I was greeted by the X-ray machine operator. After a brief telling me what would happen my bed was wheeled alongside a static bed and I was asked to slide over. The two nurses and the X-ray machine operator left the room.

Alone again, but this time I was practically in the dark. The whole atmosphere suddenly turned menacing. I could hear hissing and scowling, but also joyous celebration and rapture at the same time. The conflict was intense, but it was the howling that gripped me, after all what did I have to celebrate? It felt like hours before anything happened.

The hissing and howling and joyous rapture subsided, replaced by a whirring sound. I realised that it was the X-ray machine, which had been positioned over my chest. Man it was loud and as I lay there, numb, trying to make sense of my surroundings, the machine clicked. It did so a further five times.

Moments after the fifth click my entourage of 3 re-appeared. Then from nowhere a deafening scream. My eyes darted, searching for the source. There, in the corner a shadow, much bigger than the previous shadows, stood there, tall, lifeless. As I regained my focus, the figure became clear, it was me. I looked lifeless, soulless, devoid of joy, all sense of peace had gone from me. I looked tortured and in turmoil, lost, withdrawn and disconnected.

As I was wheeled from the room on my trolley, I turned my head back, the shadow remained, its lips parted and a shrill scream escaped its mouth. If I could describe what a glimpse of hell looks like this would be it. To see oneself in torment, absent from the body, lurking in the shadows the experience unnerved me and filled me with a deep sense of dread. I felt that I was on a spiral into madness, some seriously strange stuff was happening to me and I didn't know or understand why.

Never had I dreamed so vividly, or seen or heard things I couldn't explain. In the amount of time it had taken me to process all of these weird happenings we arrived on the ward. It was now 2.00am. I was wheeled into a bay and the brakes were applied on my bed. My escorts duly departed. I was left alone. The thought of being alone scared me. I closed my eyes. Tiredness had once again seduced me. The night ahead was going to be long...