Night and Day

The days in hospital were far easier than the nights. This night, following the meeting with family and friends, was the most despairing of all.
I didn't sleep and dream of a life before all this that would have been too good to be true.

Instead I sat bolt upright and alert. 
It must have been about midnight by now. I had my bay light on and the rest of the ward was silent and dimly lit.
A few of the patients had gone and a few new ones turned up. In fact, one gentleman, Bryan, turned up whilst I was awake. He was wheeled into the bay looking seriously ill. 
I stared incessantly, I don't know why. It's almost as if I was drawn to him. I spoke to him once the porters had gone and asked him what had happened.
"Problem with my heart," he said. "I collapsed, next thing I know I'm here."

"Do you remember anything?" I asked.
"Not a thing," he said. 
Suddenly I realised why my attention was drawn to him. We shared something in common.

I spent much of the evening pacing up and down the ward, possessed by a need to remain awake. I was so tired, but scared to sleep.

I got to know the night nurses quite well. Calvin and Simon were always up for a laugh and in a sense they became my family. They were the first people I'd really connected with, other than Bryan. 
We enjoyed some friendly banter, they playfully mocked me for my inability to remember anything and equally I mocked their manliness for being male 'nurses'. It was all in good humour.

Having completed our exchanges and having paced up and down, for what seemed like hours, I lay on my bed.
I glanced over to the clock, 3am; I believe I was now suffering from insomnia. 
However, I unwittingly fell asleep, what followed still haunts me now.

Behind my closed eyes I saw fire. Bodies burning, people screaming, chased by shadows. Beyond this scene a city lay in ruin. I recognised the surroundings, but didn't know why.
Burning bodies stood and advanced towards me, arms outstretched, heavily disfigured and scarred, but no longer screaming, it's as though they had been possessed. 
The body was dead, but the soul was being tortured. Every ounce of humanity had left them. It was in their eyes, as black as night, secreting 'death'.
An army of these 'lifeless' beings amassed upon me. I turned to run. It's then that I realised that I was chained to a stake.

With nowhere to go, I didn't resist, what was about to happen was inevitable. As they approached I heard the chant "join us". 
With that I woke up, another terrible nightmare, an invasion I couldn't prevent. My night clothes were sopping with sweat. 

I couldn't even begin to understand what was happening to me. 
I turned on my side towards Bryan's bay. His curtain was drawn. I just needed someone to talk to about these dreams, at that moment I didn't care who it was, after all everyone was a stranger to me.

However, I was greeted by silence and loneliness. My body was in pain, the morphine was wearing off again. 
I arose from my bed again. 
This is where it gets personal. I haven't ever told anyone this, not even Laura.

I knew what I intended to do as soon as I got up from the bed. I stripped the bed of its top sheet and I tossed one end over my bay curtain rail and tied a knot. I pulled the curtain half way round, to keep me out of sight of the nurses’ station.

I then simply tied a noose, pulled it over my head and around my neck and I pulled the knot, tight. I write this like it was that easy, the truth is it was. I just did not care. 
As the height was not sufficient enough for me to hang myself, I checked that the rail could take my weight by pulling on it, hard.

I then simply turned around and as if about to commit to a bungee jump, I leant forward. I closed my eyes, the noose tightened around my neck.

I stopped myself from breathing, relaxed and the strain around my throat increased. I had reached the point of passing out, then I remember falling. 
That's it.

I awoke, night had turned to day and a nurse was sat at my bed side. I looked up at her, tears in my eyes, she stared back in sorrow. "I didn't die did I?" I said to the nurse. "No", she said. "The sheet tore as a result of the strain, we found you lying on the floor at 6am."

"Why did you do it?" She asked. "I can't cope with this, " I said. 
For the first time I really opened up about the dreams, nightmares and visions.

I explained to the nurse that the hardest thing about it all is that I feel like all the things I am seeing, I'm making up. I just want to put myself out of this misery I told her.

No-one will believe me I exclaimed. How do I explain any of it? Who in their right mind would understand this, even in a bid to reassure me kind of way?

Then the nurse said something to me that astounded me. "I believe you", she said. 
Her tone was genuine and not patronising.

"Why?" I asked. She said "I witness mental illness on a daily basis. Usually any talk of visions is usually ramblings and incoherency." 

"You Daniel, do not appear to be rambling, what you're seeing you've explained rationally and coherently."

"However, whatever demons you're facing, putting yourself out of misery is not the answer. I know you don't remember your friends and family at the moment, but imagine the misery and devastation you would leave behind. I see in you something so much stronger that can overcome this. Don't give up on what you have, work with what you've got. You can beat this." 
Never had I felt such mixed emotions, part of me wanted to leap for joy, the other wanted to cry in shame for what I'd tried to do.

That nurse, Claire, helped me to turn a corner, she gave me hope. I will never forget what she did that day.

Claire left. I sat and thought about what she'd said. She was right. About an hour later I wanted to talk to her again. 
I called the duty nurse over and asked to speak to nurse Claire Handley.

She looked at me confused. "Never had a Claire working on this ward."

The look of panic must have been evident on my face. "I'm sure you're mistaken. I was talking to her about an hour ago." 
The duty nurse, Stephanie, checked with her colleagues. 
She came back. "No Daniel. No one by that name works here."

"You're winding me up aren't you?" I laughed nervously.

I looked deep into Stephanie's eyes looking for that tell-tale sign that would give away her joke.

It didn't come. "Are you OK Daniel?" Stephanie asked.

"No I'm bloody not!" I said.

One more sign of hope had been shredded. Whilst I was thankful for the conversation with Claire, my ramblings to Stephanie were now proving to be of an insane nature. 
Having experienced hope just one hour ago I was now reduced to questioning my own sanity. Am I making this up? 

I remember looking up at Stephanie and I quote. 'Nurse there is some freaky shit going on here, what the hell is wrong with me?' 
After thoughts...
Needless to say I never 'saw' Nurse Claire again. To this day I still can't explain the events and the mysterious appearance, and disappearance, of Claire. I could only liken the experience to a similar sort of scenario featured in a book called 'The Shack'.
If you've not read it, I urge you to buy it or borrow it. It makes for much better reading than my blog.